.Basket.Case.

It's 7:56 AM, and I just had a minor case of morning sickness. It's one of the most disgusting things, and it hurts like crazy but it's well worth it. Eric and I had a long conversation lastnight, and there was a ton of emotion involved and I realized that he's one of the greatest guys any girl can have. He's so understanding, and..he's going to be a great father. I was having doubts lastnight about raising this child with him-for not so important reasons...and he told me that he's not leaving no matter what. Heh....He grew up without a father and doesn't want this baby to grow up without one either. It's amazing. I'm excited about sharing this, and my life with Eric. I'm going to ask my sister today if him and I can go live with her for the summer so that we can be together. After that and we save up money, we're going to see if we can't stay somewhere else so that we can raise this baby together, rather than me by myself or him. It'd be a lot easier...and the baby's life would be a lot better too. Ugh...I guess I see now when they say that a baby takes over your life. I'll never be the same again. Lastnight I was looking in the mirror..and my tummy is already starting to show, and it makes me happy. I may be young...and this is already wicked hard on me, but I'm going to make it..and I wont break down because even if it is a little harder than I had expected, I know I'll do everything in my power to make this baby's life as good as I can. I'm looking forward to always being here for him/her...and help them with situations that I've probably too been through and have them not believe me and totally go against what I said to do..:)...It's going to be fun. I hope Eric is still as excited as I am. He's going to be a wonderful daddy. I cleaned my room lastnight with Tiffany, and I put my big bed in here and now every time I look next to my bed I imagine the basinet(?) there...and I grow excited. Yes, I'm extremely scared...and I'm afraid of what might happen, and Im worrying that my baby isn't going to be healthy..but I'm sure everything is going to be fine. Like my sister says, expect the worst but hope for the best...Which is what I plan on doing. I'm kind of nervous about breast feeding though..heh, it's going to be a new experience for me. Haha..it's crazy because my boobs hurt already, and they're not even close to being as sore as they're going to be. Ugh..I'm so excited. I talk to my baby all the time...it feels so good. The three of us are going to be a great family! Hehe...Everything is going to be alright.

.No.Regrets.

I just had the talk with my mom. It went a lot better than I had expected. She told me that I need to clean my room, and start doing my own laundry and that my social life is gone. She's making this harder on me, trying to take the few friends that I have away from me, and what is that going to do but just make everything so much worse. She's telling me that I'm going to be home all the time, and I'm only 2 months. I could see if I was like 8 or 9, for health reasons now just because. That isn't even fair, but I can't expect fair all the time. I got myself into this, but I can already tell that my mom is going to make everything so much harder than they need to be. She told me that I have to be the one to tell my dad tonight..which is going to be hard. He's going to tell me that I'm not keeping the baby, but I'm deffinantly keeping it. I'm not sure if I want everyone to know right now. People are going to start to know though pretty soon, within the next couple of months because I'm going to start to show. It sucks though because I can't be in my sisters wedding now because I wont be able to fit into my dress. I wont be able to go to prom with Jon either..but none of this is really important to me right now. I just hope that everything is okay with my baby, that's all that I'm worried about right now. I'm eating for two now also..heh. I had my first case of 'morning' sickness too and I puked my brains out and thought to myself (talking to my baby) "Im going to go through hell for you"..but it's all worth it. Eric and I havent decided on names yet, but we'll talk about it later. Ugh...Nothing else is on my mind. I can't stop thinking about this..I think I'm more happy than anything..but I'm deffinantly more scared than I thought I would be. Although, I have no regrets.

.Mommy.To.Be.

I'm going to have a baby....I went to the doctors today and got an ultrasound..and it's positive. Eric and I are going to have a baby. I'm going to be a mommy....December 20th is the due date...I'm 6½ weeks along already. So I've been pregnant for two months without knowing. I have a picture from the ultrasound. My baby is only a few millameters long, but you can still see him/her. I saw it's heart beat. I'm going to be a great mother. I'm excited, but I'll be even more excited once I get past my parents. My mom already knows and she's calm about it, but my dad doesn't know yet. Eric has already told his sister, and probably his mom by now and stuff. When I told him, he didn't believe me...but it's a hard thing to believe. When I went to get the ultra sound, they had me stick a probe thing up inside of me, and within two seconds she said "you are pregnant"...and then that was it. I didn't react until I saw my sister and told her, and then I started shaking. Eric was the first person that I called. We're both going to be great parents. I never expected this at all, and I didn't think that I was...because nothing other than those pains has really been happening. But then after I found out I realize that my 'breasts' are sore..and I've been sleeping and eating a lot. Although I'm excited about showing people my baby in the ultrasound picture. I never wanted a winter baby, but a winter baby is what I'm going to have. I dont think I'm going to go get my GED next year, I'll probably wait a year and then go back. I'm not leaving my baby with anyone that young..I'm going to be the mother of this child..nobody else. Anyway..I'm going to go lay down for a while. I'll write more later...

.Pain.Wont.Go.Away.

Im in pain...and I have been for about a month or so now. I'm getting cramps, just like period cramps..only 20x worse, and they used to only last 10 seconds, but this morning it almost lasted 10 minutes. They're extreme...and I can't deal with them anymore. My mom keeps asking me if I'm pregnant...and I think she wants to get me tested but I dont know. Ugh...Anyway, so I'm about to get ready to go to the doctors now. I'm kind of nervous about what it is, because I didn't get my period again this month. Something is obviously wrong with me..I'm just hoping that it's nothing too serious. Ugh...I have to go now. I'm kind of scared, but it might be nothing. Let's hope its nothing...

.Precious.Moments.

Me And Eric...Yay

.Never.Forgive.

Me And Eric Being Angels...Hehe

I dont know what to write really. Not much has really happened today. I kind of feel bad because I fell asleep and I told Eric to call me around 3:00 and my mom was on the phone, so I couldn't talk to him before he went to work. Ugh...I'm so mad at myself actually because I always tell him that I'll talk to him and I never do. Him and I actually talked lastnight, and had a really good conversation which rarely ever happens. I'm glad that things are getting better though. I'm hoping they'll get even better. I guess lately I've realized that nobody controls me anymore and I have total control over my life. I can change things, but I always feel like I have to sit back and watch shit happen but I dont. It's going to take a while to realize that now.

I miss Eric like crazy right now, and I really want to talk to him. I can't wait to see him this weekend, if I can see him this weekend at all. Ugh, It's driving me crazy. I need him right now.

.I.Wanna.Be.There.With.Open.Arms.

I Want You To Know That

I Miss You

I Miss You So

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So things are going okay I guess. I'm very confused about a lot of things but everything is alright for the most part. I really miss Eric, and I dont know what to do about it. I want to be with him, I really do...but it's so hard right now. I dont know if I did write that Eric and I are no longer together. I dont really know why I did it, I guess it just seemed right at the time. Ugh...Part of me is mad that I did it. It doesnt seem like it was even the right thing to do anymore. It seems that ever since we broke up, I've started to love him and adore him more than I did before. It's so akward and I dont understand it at all. He might be going to school in Oneonta so he'd have to move there. After I get money and shit I might go up there with him.

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I dont know how I'm going to even get my life straightened out. I talked to Dennis the other day about Amber, and I guess Amber doesn't ever want to hang out with me because I treated her like shit. I guess that she has every right, because I know that I did. Although, I've grown up a lot since then..and it scares me because I'm not going back to school next year so I'm afraid that I'll never see her again. I just hate hearing that Dennis would be mad at her for talking to me, because she should be able to talk to me without having him get pissed off. Bill always tried coming between us but I never let him, and I wish she wouldn't let Dennis..but oh well. I realize how shit is like for her, because I went through it too and she's in love and sacrifices shit just like I did. So I guess that I'm just going to have to do what Dennis said and accept it, and not to make him happy either but to make her happy. I wont bother her about it. I'm accepting that I'll never have Ashley too...and I guess Curt made me realize that. She's happy where she is and I need to let her go. I need to let a lot of things go. Just like I need to let Bill go too.

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Jon is my best friend. I dont even know what to write about him though, like he's such a good person and he deserves the best from everyone. He has great goals in life, and he's the most non-selfish person I think I'll ever meet. I love him to pieces. I guess though it's getting hard wanting to be serious with Eric and hanging out with Jon all the time. At one point I actually thought about being with Jon but our life plans are so much different, and when it comes down to it..I used to be happy with Eric. I really did too, I was serious about Eric before Eric was about me and now that he's serious and I'm not it hurts me because I want to be able to be there for him whenever he needs me. I'm going to change it around sometime. I'm sure that once I get a job and all that junk things will change. I'm hoping they will atleast. I love Eric, I really do...and even though it's hard being with him because it seems like everyone that he's friends with or his family don't like me very much it's hard feeling comfortable there, but I'm hoping someday that will change. I want to get to know his mom, because I want his mom to like me. I think people are starting to realize how much Eric and I really do like eachother though. Alteast his family is, now my family needs to know. I dont talk to my family about Eric, because I'm never around them anymore but I want him to start doing things with me. It was nice when he came over during Easter, and I'd really like for him to do more things with my family and I'm hoping that they will.

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The other day Eric and Jon and I all hung out together. We went to the mall and then we went bowling. It was fun. It was kind of weird because Eric had said shit about Jon and what not, but Eric admitted that Jon is a really good person-especially to me. Jon will do anything for me, and Eric even said that I deserve to be with someone like Jon. Jon deserves better than me though, a lot better...but it's so nice having Jon around. He tells me how he likes seeing me happy, and smiling...and it's nice that he's the one who makes me smile a lot now-a-days. Ugh..I dont know what else to say, but I really miss Eric right now so I think that I'm going to go call him.

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I love you so much baby...You mean the world and more to me.

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Do You Notice Im Gone

Where Do You Run To So Far Away