.I.Wanna.Be.There.With.Open.Arms.

I Want You To Know That

I Miss You

I Miss You So

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So things are going okay I guess. I'm very confused about a lot of things but everything is alright for the most part. I really miss Eric, and I dont know what to do about it. I want to be with him, I really do...but it's so hard right now. I dont know if I did write that Eric and I are no longer together. I dont really know why I did it, I guess it just seemed right at the time. Ugh...Part of me is mad that I did it. It doesnt seem like it was even the right thing to do anymore. It seems that ever since we broke up, I've started to love him and adore him more than I did before. It's so akward and I dont understand it at all. He might be going to school in Oneonta so he'd have to move there. After I get money and shit I might go up there with him.

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I dont know how I'm going to even get my life straightened out. I talked to Dennis the other day about Amber, and I guess Amber doesn't ever want to hang out with me because I treated her like shit. I guess that she has every right, because I know that I did. Although, I've grown up a lot since then..and it scares me because I'm not going back to school next year so I'm afraid that I'll never see her again. I just hate hearing that Dennis would be mad at her for talking to me, because she should be able to talk to me without having him get pissed off. Bill always tried coming between us but I never let him, and I wish she wouldn't let Dennis..but oh well. I realize how shit is like for her, because I went through it too and she's in love and sacrifices shit just like I did. So I guess that I'm just going to have to do what Dennis said and accept it, and not to make him happy either but to make her happy. I wont bother her about it. I'm accepting that I'll never have Ashley too...and I guess Curt made me realize that. She's happy where she is and I need to let her go. I need to let a lot of things go. Just like I need to let Bill go too.

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Jon is my best friend. I dont even know what to write about him though, like he's such a good person and he deserves the best from everyone. He has great goals in life, and he's the most non-selfish person I think I'll ever meet. I love him to pieces. I guess though it's getting hard wanting to be serious with Eric and hanging out with Jon all the time. At one point I actually thought about being with Jon but our life plans are so much different, and when it comes down to it..I used to be happy with Eric. I really did too, I was serious about Eric before Eric was about me and now that he's serious and I'm not it hurts me because I want to be able to be there for him whenever he needs me. I'm going to change it around sometime. I'm sure that once I get a job and all that junk things will change. I'm hoping they will atleast. I love Eric, I really do...and even though it's hard being with him because it seems like everyone that he's friends with or his family don't like me very much it's hard feeling comfortable there, but I'm hoping someday that will change. I want to get to know his mom, because I want his mom to like me. I think people are starting to realize how much Eric and I really do like eachother though. Alteast his family is, now my family needs to know. I dont talk to my family about Eric, because I'm never around them anymore but I want him to start doing things with me. It was nice when he came over during Easter, and I'd really like for him to do more things with my family and I'm hoping that they will.

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The other day Eric and Jon and I all hung out together. We went to the mall and then we went bowling. It was fun. It was kind of weird because Eric had said shit about Jon and what not, but Eric admitted that Jon is a really good person-especially to me. Jon will do anything for me, and Eric even said that I deserve to be with someone like Jon. Jon deserves better than me though, a lot better...but it's so nice having Jon around. He tells me how he likes seeing me happy, and smiling...and it's nice that he's the one who makes me smile a lot now-a-days. Ugh..I dont know what else to say, but I really miss Eric right now so I think that I'm going to go call him.

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I love you so much baby...You mean the world and more to me.

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Do You Notice Im Gone

Where Do You Run To So Far Away